F U N N Y   P A G E S Back to Funny Pages list Dear Dogs Dear Dogs, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory. And finally, the proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you guys to make. Back to Funny Pages list Decorating with Dogs Decorating when you have pets can provide unique opportunities to express your own personal style and taste. Here are some tips I'd like to share: Bare floors, without carpet or throw rugs, can give a nice open feeling to a room. It can provide a soothing balance when you have many art objects that reflect your love of animals. Paw prints and nose smudges on glass doors and windows break up glare and soften the light in a room. Dog crates, when stacked three high, can add height to a room and pull the eye up. If fastened securely to the wall, the top can provide a safe and dramatic place for exotic plants or statuary that otherwise might be molested by your pets. An up light can make it a real focal point. Cats love to inhabit the upper crates, leaving the lower ones for the dogs. Old towels and blankets thrown casually on upholstered furniture can add a wonderful homey, country-quilt look to an otherwise bland room. Common smooth upholstery fabrics can look almost velvety when lightly textured with pet hair. Vari-kennels, placed end to end and topped with plate glass can create an unusual coffee table, one your friends will really remember. Doggie beds, randomly placed around a room, can add color and texture, much as throw pillows do. Shredded or chewed books and magazines send a message to guests that they are free to relax and feel at home. Dog crates can make versatile end tables, and can be slip covered to match any room decor. There is absolutely nothing that makes a guest feel as welcome as three friendly dogs hopping in his lap as soon as he sits down. So throw away those videos by Martha and others, and express your own unique tastes. Your home should reflect what YOU like! ~~Author: Barb Cooke~~~ Back to Funny Pages list Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets. 1. The dog lives here. You don't. 2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, he is a dog. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college and you have them spayed and neutered so no worries about unwanted pregnancies. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep Back to Funny Pages list WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN Dogs understand what "no" means. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't brag about who they've slept with. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch. And dogs never laugh at how you throw. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. Dogs don't make a practice of killing members of their own species. Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come inside. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can force a dog to take a bath. Dogs don't correct your stories. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Dogs are nice to your relatives. WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN Dogs don't cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs are excited when you play rough. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. Anyone can get a good looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never insist on talking about your relationship. A dog's parents never visit. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs don't hate their bodies. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. Dogs never worry about germs. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. You never have to wait for a dog. They are ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry. Dogs don't borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot rubs. Dogs can't talk. Dogs seldom outlive you. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Back to Funny Pages list If a dog were your teacher, you would learn things like... allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. take naps and stretch before rising. run, romp, and play daily. avoid biting when a simple growl will do. on warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass. on hot days, drink plenty of water and sit under a shady tree. delight in the simple joys of a long walk. if what you want is buried, dig until you find it. and most of all... When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently Back to Funny Pages list At the Movies At the Movies A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says: "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. "He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?" "Yes," she replied, "I find it very unusual... He hated the book!"   Back to Funny Pages list Dear Dogs and Cats  The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.   The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.   I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.   For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.   The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!  Back to Funny Pages list

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