Dog Titles

How many titles does your dog have? Most of us know about the cool
titles your dog can earn through the American Kennel Club and other organization.
We are familiar with the CD (Companion Dog) & CDX
(Companion Dog Excellent) UD (Utility Dog) & UDX (Utility Dog
Excellent) TD (Tracking Dog) & TDX (Tracking Dog Excellent) OTCH
(Obedience Trial Champion) CH (Confirmation Champion) and so on and
on:

Well, here are a few more your dog can earn without any special
training! Most dogs are naturals.
Here is a list of just a few of them:
AD (Attention Deficit)
ARB (Ace Refrigerator Bandit)
BW (Butt Wagger) & BWX (Butt Wagger Excellent)
CC (Cat-courser) & CCX (Cat-courser Excellent)
CP (Couch Potato) & CPX (Couch Potato Excellent)
CSX (Counter Surfer Extrordanaier)
GFIY (Go Fetch It Yourself)
IDDI (I didn't do it)
ILF (I like Food) & ILLF (I like Lots of Food)
LD (Lap Dog) & LDX (Lap Dog Excellent)
MD (My Dog)
TBF (Thick But Friendly)
TGS (Terribly Good Snorer)
TGAN (Terribly Good At Nothing)
TSIM (That Seat Is Mine)
UNCD (Under the Covers Dog) & UNCDX (Under the Covers Dog Excellent)
WM (Who ME?) Pick a few "titles" and add them to your dog's name.
It's great fun!

Provided by Anne Bird and the Titled Terriers.

Dear Abby for Dogs

Jeanne Wightman in Florida sent this. She does Fox Terrier Rescue there and says that her two rescue dogs, Max and Carter wrote this :-}}}}

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts--I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy--come to kill us all--
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man--come to kill us all--
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain.
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot--no greater bliss--well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all
Bad--she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence--why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

Why A Dog Can't Use A Computer

He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and. PASTE are out of the question.

Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working. .
.
The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."

It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

He can't stick his head out of Windows 2000.

Fox Terrier Heater

Directions:

For bed-warming: Remove FT Heater from packaging (couch) and install rolled unit in bed, under covers. When ready to get in bed, remove unit (yeah, right!) and enjoy pre-warmed area.

Cool nights: Retain unit in bed and apply two of attached "hot paws" to general area of ribcage. Heat should soon permeate body.

Cold nights: Apply four "hot paws" to body, in any arrangement. Do not worry about position basic unit has assumed to achieve this application of the attachments. Unit is quite flexible.

Coldest nights: Unroll entire unit and drape as desired. Gentle, pulsing, warm wind may issue from either end of unit. Manufacturer suggests placing top end of unit nearest user's head, as wind from this end may be more pleasing.

Cramps: Apply rolled unit firmly to small of back until heat and pressure relax user.

Flu: Place rolled unit in center of bed, curl around it for maximum contact and comfort.

If unit malfunctions, it may need to be either filled or emptied. With proper maintenance, unit will last for years and satisfaction is guaranteed.

Yum Yum?!?

The four types of dog vomit and their definitions:
Yellow urka-gurkas:
Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture while making a prolonged "uurka-guurka, uurka-guurka" noise (the only noise guaranteed to wake up a dog lover who is hung over from a 3:30 am post-dog-show celebration). After a mad scramble to capture the dog and drag him outside, the episode ends with an indelible line of slimy yellow froth from the living room rug to the back door.

Blap disease:
Dog exercises hard and a) eats large mouthfuls of snow (winter blap disease) or b) drinks a bucket of water (summer blap disease). Within two minutes of returning inside, the dog spews out large amounts of clear, slimy liquid, making a distinctive "blap" sound and sharppercussive noise as it hits the linoleum.

Garks:
Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and dramatic "gggark, gggark" noises, followed by a prolonged "iiksss" and then loud, satisfied smacking noises. There is nothing on the rug. Don't investigate; you don't want to know.

Ralfs:
The dog strolls into the dining room and waits 'til the innocent dinner guests are all watching him. Then, with a single deep gut-wrenching "raaaallff", disgorges the entire week's contents of his stomach on the rug. Variation: he eats it.

In all of the above events, the dog is entirely healthy and indeed, deeply pleased with himself.

PS: There is also the grassy greenies: Dog eats handfuls of grass then starts to retch and vomits out grass with froth, after a final chewing motion to get that last blade of grass out of the mouth, dog looks up with a 'how did that happen' expression.

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Fox Terrier Rules

1)   The dog is not allowed in the house.
2)  Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3)  The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4)  The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5)  Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6)  Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7)  The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8)  The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9)  The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10) Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
11)  If I like it, it's mine.
12) If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
13) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
14) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
15) If it's mine, it must never apprear top be yours in any way.
16) if I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
17) If I saw it first, it's mine.
18) If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

More Fox Terrier Rules

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you can't manage that in time, get to an oriental rug (or any good rug will do).
2. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
3. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened,stand on your hind legs, and hammer with your forepaws.
4. When supervising cooking, stand behind the left foot of the cook, where you will be stepped on, picked up, and consoled with food.
5. When a door is opened, use it. When you've ordered an outside door opened, it is important to stand halfway out and think about several things. It is especially important during cold weather, rain,snow, or the mosquito season.
6. Begin people training early. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

More Rules for Dogs

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't care one way or the other.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep...
I sleep right in the center groove
My human being can hardly move!
I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and "I want food!"
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth
I'm a puppy, don't you see?
For the morning's here
and it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs and holds me tight
And shares her bed with me at night!